


Just Remember What I've Done

by am_poke



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Dan Howell, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Sad Dan Howell, Smut, Top Phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 20:57:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14860169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/am_poke/pseuds/am_poke
Summary: Dan gets way too drunk on one of his most depressed nights. He slips up, but unsure of his actions, he hurts himself and Phil, leaving them both confused and destroyed about the events of that night.





	Just Remember What I've Done

He was drunk, wasted, blasted out of his mind. The bar was loud and it helped with the numbing process. It was dark, so everyone else was lost in their partners, not watching him cry at the bar.

Dan felt as if his body wanted him dead. He’d thought about obeying it more than one time that night alone. There were bridges and buildings with twelve story roofs. He could just end it if he wanted to. 

He couldn’t though. Not with Phil at home, waiting for Dan to come home. Phil wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he got the call saying that they found Dan a splat on the concrete. He’d blame himself. Dan knew that much. Phil wasn’t built to be able to handle his boyfriend’s suicide in any kind of healthy way. 

“Bad day?” 

Dan looked to the tall man standing next to him. He was half a head taller than Dan, and that was saying a lot since he was taller than almost everyone he knew. 

“You could say that,” Dan muttered.

The man ordered another beer for both of them, “I’m David. You are?”

“Daniel.”

David grinned, “That’s cute.”

They were silent for a moment, sipping on their beers. David turned towards him, reaching out and brushing a strand of hair out of Dan’s face, “What’s going on, Daniel? Crying in the middle of a gay bar doesn’t really scream ‘come flirt with me’, even if you’re this cute.”

“I just don’t know where I stand in life anymore. I feel like giving up on everything even though I knew there’s so much out there for me.”

David put his hand on Dan’s thigh, “I know something that can cheer you right up.” He pulled Dan from his chair and onto the dance floor. David stood behind him, gripping his hips and moving against Dan’s ass. 

Dan closed his eyes, tuning everything out except for David. He leaned forward, grinding against the man behind him. 

At some point the details leading up to that point became a drunken haze. Dan couldn’t even remember who he was dancing with. It could have been Phil for all he knew. There were sweaty kisses, grinding, hickeys, groping. 

There was a sudden hot breath in his ear. It smelt of tobacco, not Phil’s normal peppermint.

“Do you need a ride somewhere, a place to sleep tonight?” David whispered in his ear. 

Dan turned around, startled, “I have a boyfriend.”

David’s hand was already down Dan’s jeans, touching him, “Doesn’t seem like he matters right now. He must not be that great if you had to come down here to sulk.”

Dan stumbled back, falling onto the dance floor. Men stepped on him as they danced, not noticing what they were doing. David tried to pick him up, but Dan swatted him away, picking himself up and stumbling around until the door came into view. 

He felt his pockets for his phone, not knowing who he was going to call. Dan stared at the screen. The picture of him and Phil from their three year anniversary made his eyes water. 

He managed to call a cab, find enough cash to pay the driver, and remember his own address. Dan cried the entire way home. He grabbed at the places where David’s lips had been. He wanted to peel his skin off. Take it off so that he could forget that he’d ever been unfaithful.

There were options in this situation. Lie and feel guilty, hate himself for the rest of his existence. Tell Phil and break his heart, hating himself for the rest of his existence. Throw himself in front of a car as soon as he got out of the cab. That way. if he survived at all he might end up with amnesia. Nothing to feel guilty about if he couldn’t remember what happened.

The thoughts paused when he saw the flat approaching. Dan suddenly felt very sick. Not just from the drinking. He had decided what to do already.

Phil was sitting in the living room watching The Great British Bake-Off. He turned, muting the TV, when he heard Dan stumbling up the stairs. 

“I’ve called you like a hundred times. You didn’t tell me you were leaving! I had no idea where you were.” Phil gushed over Dan, hugging him, helping him taking his jacket and shoes off. “I was so worried about you. You’ve just been so sad, I didn’t know if-”

He cut himself off, trying to find an excuse to turn the conversation.

“You didn’t know if I’d gone to off myself? I kind of wish I had, Phil. I really do.”

Phil’s eyes immediately began to turn red. He hated it when Dan talked like that. Phil didn’t know how to handle the situation so he always just cried and hugged him.

“Why would you say that, Dan?”

Dan grabbed at his hair, trying not to scream out of the fury he felt towards himself, “Because you’re going to hate me, Phil. You’re going to hate me and I’m going to lose you and  
I’m not going to have a reason to live if I lose you.” 

Phil reached out to try and hold Dan, but Dan stepped away. Phil choked, “What happened? It can’t be that bad.”

“I cheated on you.” 

The entire house seemed silent. 

Phil gnawed on his lip, debating on what to do in his head. He was now feeling sick.

That night they slept in their own beds for the first time in over two years. Phil kept throwing up because of the images of Dan with another man and Dan kept throwing up because of the amount of alcohol he’d consumed that night. 

The next morning Dan awoke to two Advil, a glass of water, and two crumpets on his bedside table, along with a note that said, “Going to see PJ, might spend the weekend there”.  
-  
It had been three days. Phil hadn’t come home and Dan hadn’t tried to reach him. They needed time apart. Or at least, that’s what Dan kept telling himself.  
Phil had every right to leave and never come back if that’s what he wanted. Dan just wanted a chance to tell him goodbye.

Dan was in the middle of editing their new gaming video when the stairs started creaking. His heart almost jumped out of his chest, seeing Phil’s messy fringe covered face looking at him. 

He stood, staring for a second before saying, “Can we talk?”

Phil stared at the ground, nodding, “You need to go take a shower first, you’re a wreck.”

Dan felt sick again. This time not because he was drunk out of his mind. As soon as he sat down on the chair in Phil’s room, all he could do was blurt out, “I love you so much, Phil.” 

“Obviously,” Phil picked at his fingers. “Just tell me what happened. Everything, don’t spare any of the details, please. I just need to know.”

“I was wasted. I didn’t even know where I was. There was a guy there, David, he bought me another drink. We started talking and then he took me onto the dance floor. I don’t even remember what happened or if I was dancing with him the entire time. At some points it gets so blurry that I feel like I could have been dancing with you.”

“But you weren't. You were touching another man, Dan! Someone else!” Phil yelled, his eyes tearing up again.

Dan put his head in his hands, “I didn’t even know what was going on, Phil. You have to believe that. I was so depressed, so drunk. I was so confused that I could barely get out of the building.”

“Why did you tell me?” Phil whispered.

“Because I couldn’t imagine trying to keep that a secret from you. You deserve to know that I’m a cheating slut,” he started sobbing into his hands. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

Phil slid off the end of his bed and onto his knees in front of Dan, “I want you to come to me next time. I don’t know if I can handle even thinking about you in another man’s arms again.”

Dan tried to stand, but his legs were shaking too violently to stay steady. Phil reached up to Dan’s hips, pulling him to the ground slowly. He collapsed in Phil’s lap, crying into his shoulder, “You’re everything to me. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”

He cradled Dan in his arms, whispering kind things in his ear and running his fingers up and down his back. 

That night they slept on the floor in front of Phil’s bed. Phil woke up to Dan crying many times within the night. All it took was a couple minutes stroking Dan’s hair for him to calm down and cuddle into Phil just a little bit more than before. 

When Phil awoke in the morning, Dan was no longer laying next to him. Phil stood quickly, worried about where Dan could have gone. He checked the rooms around the house, calling out Dan’s name again and again, but there was no response. Phil called Dan’s phone, but it started ringing in the living room where Dan had last left it.

There was a large bang from the gaming room and Dan appeared a moment later, rubbing his eyes, confused by all the racket, “What’s wrong?”

There was a pressure released from Phil’s chest. He hugged Dan tight, “Where the hell were you?”

“I was posting the gaming video. We said we were going to post it yesterday, but I hadn’t finished editing it yet. I guess I fell asleep while it was loading,” Dan scratched the back of his head. “Sorry, did I worry you?” 

Phil placed his hands on the sides of Dan’s head, stroking his temples, “You didn’t answer when I’d yell and you left your phone in the living room. I wasn’t sure where you could have gone.”

Dan smiled, pleased to know that Phil was already back to worrying about him again, “Can I kiss you?”

He pulled Dan’s face down, connecting their lips for the first time since everything had happened. Phil pulled away, “I hope mine are the only lips that ever touch yours again. Promise me that much, Dan.”

Dan nodded, kissing Phil again, “I promise that you are the only person that will ever touch me. You are the only person that can and will ever give me pleasure, but love me more than just a man or a partner.”

White noise filled the air as Phil pushed Dan against the wall, kissing him needingly, loving the taste that Dan left him with. 

They were dizzy as they made their way into Phil’s bedroom, collapsing onto the bed. Slowly, their clothes came off in a clumsy haze of kissing and touching. Dan pushed Phil over, tugging at his jeans and pants, pulling his dick out and stroking it gently as they continued kissing. 

Heat radiated off of their skin, slicking their skin with sweat. Phil searched around the dresser blind, before pulling out a bottle of lube and coating his fingers in it. Dan grunted as Phil pushed a finger into his ass. 

The prepping was drawn out and tortuous. Dan was ready for Phil, but he wouldn’t stop until Dan was begging for it. Phil’s dick was circling around the flesh, pressing on it gently, teasing Dan for as long as he could manage without losing his own self control. 

“I want you to feel me and remember exactly what you have. How it feels to have someone make love to you. Remember that this is never going to be just casual fucking because that’s not what you are to me, Dan. You are so much more than that and I hope you know that.”

He grabbed the back of Phil’s head bringing it down so that Phil’s ear was next to his Dan’s mouth, “By the end of the night you’re going to forget that you ever had to worry about something like that.” 

That was all it took for Phil to lose all of the control that he’d had. He began thrusting into Dan, deep and sporadic. Dan screamed, calling out Phil’s name and begging for more. His fingers were clutching the bed spread, knuckles white, until Phil pulled out completely and slid back in painfully slow. Dan’s hands grabbed for Phil’s hair dragging his face down into Dan’s neck.

Phil moaned into Dan’s neck, biting down onto the skin. Dan’s legs wrapped around Phil’s hips, pressing him deeper. It all slowed down from there. It became harder to breath and the sensation was too much for either of them.

That was the first night in a long time that they had felt each other. It wasn’t just touching. They were experiencing every movement, every breath.

Phil could feel Dan’s entire body relax for just a second before he screamed again, releasing a mess of cum across him and Phil’s chests. It took just a few more heavy strokes for Phil drop his hands to either side of Dan’s shoulders and shiver out of the pressure of his orgasm.

He pulled out of Dan pulsing and still coming. He pulled Dan into him as he fell onto his back, “Never forget what you love about me, Dan. No one will ever fuck you like I will.”


End file.
